April Fools

 2012

My wife called me this morning to say she's calling off the divorce and she's stopped dating the lawyer. She's moving back in! What a beautiful day this is.

2013

guys I just saw a car full of diet mountain dew crash into a truck full of whip cream and an airplane carrying helicopter parts fell out of the sky right on top of the crash and the whole scene was just chaos. but the cool thing is we all got free mountain dew, free whip cream, and i built my own helicopter.

some guy just read the rough draft of all my manuscripts and said he wants to publish all my work, as is, no editing. he works for the top publishers in the world and he personally knew fyodor dostoyevsky, nikolai gogol, hp lovecraft, herman melville, mark twain, bill shakespeare, arthur clarke, phil dick, ray bradbury, and napoleon bonaparte.

a boy on the street turned into a girl before my eyes and threw snowballs at me until I cried.

even though there are no windows in my lab, a bird flew into the room and landed on my shoulder and said she found the tower of babel and destroyed it with her own eggs, and now all languages are one language, all tongues are a single tongue. I walked down the hall to a lab in which I happen to know a lot of various languages are spoken, and tested the bird's words. sure enough, every one of us understood one another, and i could read every asian language like it was 123 ABC, and they could even read a language i made up right on the spot. everyone hugged and the bird flew into the room and tweeted at us and advertised twitter.com to bring us closer together.

when i came to work today there was a scary looking black box 15 feet by 15 feet by 15 feet in size (i had a tape measure on me) sitting right outside the building. kids were gathered around it poking it with sticks, and one angry man with fists bigger than my head was yelling at it. i walked past like I didn't notice anything, because i hate to get dragged into a scene, but when I was about to walk through the doors, i looked back and saw the box was gone and the angry man was yelling at a telephone booth. the kids were still poking it with sticks. I blinked and the telephone booth became a leopard, then a black box again. the man began hitting it with his fists until the kids turned and started poking him. i couldn't help but laugh because the whole thing was just zany. Then my friends walked out of the building and said, "surprise, philip!" and I asked, "what do you mean?" and they said "we got you a black box... oh shit!" and right about then they noticed the man hitting the box, and the kids with their sticks, and my friends got really upset. they ran over to the scene and tried breaking it up, but it didn't work and the police had to come. anyway. what a day.

if you've ever seen American Bandstand then you're familiar with Dick Clark's voice. so imagine how weird it was when i found Dick Clark's voice coming out of my car speakers on my way to work, today. but it wasn't the radio or anything, he was talking to me. he addressed me personally. he was in there. in the speakers. we had a conversation, and he told me we were getting close to the one year anniversary of his death. he said I'd better be planning something big for him, but i told him i thought that kind of thing was better left to his friends and family, and people who actually knew him. he said, "everyone knew me. i was a famous personality beloved by all." as if that wasn't enough, he fully materialized in my car when i finally parked, and he argued with  me for what seemed like half an hour. you probably know his voice from TV and radio, but when he's right next to you yelling at you about stuff you have no control over, he is not pleasant. i got out of the car and locked him inside, because he never learned how to operate doors. I went to work, and i really hope when I get back to my car he's disappeared.