About the Author

Should you ever, for any reason, find yourself curious about the writer of everything you see on Fresh Prints of Bukkake, a short biography of said writer is available here. 

Philip James Mason (est. 1984 - 2014) was born on a whiskey farm in rural Wyoming to a whiskey farmer, Ray Montague-Clockwork-Mason, and a whiskey farmer's wife, Alice Firestone-Eastervisit-Mason. As a child, Philip lived in cellars, caves, and creeks that he discovered on his father's whiskey farm, hardly ever entering the home except for the occasional meal and reading lessons. Philip's full name, Philip (horselover) James (supplanter) Mason (bricklayer) would prove prophetic throughout his life.

Growing up on the farm, Philip became one with the spirit of the woods. Wild animals were his friends and the sky was his television. At a young age, Philip developed a method of applying critical theory and numerology to the study of Kenny Loggins's music and artwork, gaining considerable recognition from his parents and extended family. In his teenage years, Philip learned arithmetic under the tutelage of a bearded barn owl that did not belong to the family and had been asked to leave the farm a number of times, and entered high school upon his parents wishes. Here, he met other human beings and heard a joke for the first time in his life, which he wrote down and practiced for months before performing it at sleepovers and school dances. In his final year, Philip received a number of awards, including being voted "Worst Voice", "Least Improved", "Longest Shoelaces", "Slowest Car", "Ugliest Initials", "Least Discernible Talent", "Slowest Run", "Worst Imagination", "Stupidest Habits", and "Most Likely To Use the Internet" in his senior yearbook. These are all included on Philip's résumé. Upon his high school graduation, Philip's mother, Alice Firestone-Eastervisit-Mason, gave him a pocket book of poems she'd written about him. His father, Ray Montague-Clockwork-Mason, gave him a book of sketches and watercolor art he'd made about his son. Philip learned to cry that day, and he wept for the first time, but not the last time.

As a young adult, loaded with handsomeness and zest for life, Philip moved to Los Angeles, California as a door-to-door joke salesman. Joke sales being what they were in the early 2000's, Philip's income was shameful and he could not afford a car or a home. He traded ten jokes for a horse named Gilda, and traded a child's vampire costume for a small room in a German man's home. Horse riding came naturally to Philip, being a natural born horselover, and his joke sales skyrocketed from 2003-2004 when he perfected the horse maneuver in the longer neighborhoods, a maneuver which was the topic of a book he published in 2005, entitled "Horse Maneuvers: Tips of the Trade in Door-To-Door Joke Sales from a Horseback".

Philip came in second place in a number of popularity contests from 2004-2007, and sold the trophies on garagesale.com in order to afford a one way airplane ticket to French Guiana for him and Gilda. While there, he learned to identify false footprints and was taught how to make his own by a Frenchwoman going by the name Patrick. Famed author/historian/gunslinger Maxwell Oakman Forrester met Philip at a false footprints convention in Brazil around Christmas of 2007, becoming Philip's first confirmed human friend. Forrester taught Philip gunslinging, and enhanced his horseriding techniques tenfold, a fold unheard of in the 21st century. Maxwell hired Philip as a partner in his hitman company, a source of great financial wealth for Philip at the time. Philip never learned to kill, but he learned to pretend to kill, and survived a year of posing. Their friendship reached mountainous heights before Forrester betrayed Philip and ran away with Gilda, and Philip's money, to the southern tip of South America, a south so far and so alien to Philip that he could not follow. The Great Amazon region of Brazil became Philip's home until he returned to America sometime in 2008 with diseases completely incurable in the entirety of South America. 

Philip lived in a city called Tallahassee for a month without diseases before receiving a phone call from an interested party offering him a job as a drum and guitar solo composer for a folk rock band in Connecticut. Someone had seen his resume on Monster.com and had been very impressed. Philip took the job and was paid twice what the initial offer laid out, because he was more handsome and muscular than the band had expected. The band went on to moderate success in the folk rock scene, contributing to a number of compilations, releasing three studio albums in the span of a year, and doing a brief tour of Canada, then finding a new drum and guitar solo composer. The day Philip was fired was the day the lead guitarist of the band was killed in a fire accident. Philip moved quickly and took control of the band in their time of mourning, propelling them to immediate failure and ruining their commercial potential within days. Fans speculate Philip was responsible for the death of the lead guitarist, but sources close to the band say Philip repeatedly told everyone he knew that he never killed a guitar player for a place in any band, regardless of being asked.

In 2009, Philip thought about combining the poetry from his mother with the paintings from his father and selling them as a book on the popular television show QVC. He quickly snagged up a publisher and created his own advertisements for the product, totaling a cost of over $200,000. The project was dropped and Philip went to prison for failure to pay the artists and directors who contributed to his advertising campaign. In prison, Philip joined most of the gangs he could, before being found out and stabbed by every gang he was a part of. While in prison, Philip read his first book, which involved a very minor transgendered character. Philip learned to self-identify as a woman, and was given an early release because of constant sexual harassment from fellow inmates. 

After his release from prison, Philip released a spoken word album of his own original poetry, written on toilet paper from prison. The album was a huge success, and Philip appeared on a number of talk shows and radio shows to promote his book and to answer questions about the internet. 

Despite showing early signs of the Death Disease in 2010, Philip made numerous public statements that he was in perfect health and that he would, in fact, live forever. He promised that he had achieved immortality and would prove it to everyone by outliving the world. In 2011, he released his second spoken word album of poetry, and included an appendix with jokes, gags, and his favorite abbreviations from the English language. His sophomore effort was considerably more mature and developed than his first release, and was well received. 

From 2011-2012 Philip did a European tour, called Tour Talk 11-12, to promote his album. During the tour, Philip began showing accelerated signs of the Death Disease and fans worried that he would drop dead any minute during his performances. He assured everyone he was immortal and death would not befall him. 

When Tour Talk 11-12 ended, Philip was hospitalized with advanced Death Disease, and lost his voice, his hands, his hair, and his mind. He learned to type with his feet, which became his only (and preferred) method of communication.

Using his feet, Philip wrote a book entitled "Footnotes", a spiritual follow-up to his spoken word albums. In it, Philip wrote letters to his favorite people, none of whom could ever be tracked down or even shown to have actually existed. Philip's feet were removed in 2013. "Footnotes" sold so well that Philip was able to start paying his hospital bills, and could even afford a wheelchair and a set of synthetic hands. He learned to type 1 wpm with his new hands, and typed public statements to give to his publicist, concerning his health. In these statements, Philip continued to say he was immortal and was fine. He cracked joke after joke about his state, and his fans loved it. Many fans Tweeted their favorite segments from his statements, and some turned them into short films. 

By 2014, Philip's Death Disease had moved to his heart, the one organ he’d forgot he had. In the middle of typing his final public statement regarding his health, Philip's heart stopped beating and he fell out of his wheelchair, dead on the floor. It took six hours for someone to find him. By the point he was found he'd decayed into mostly a skeleton. His bones were burned the next day, then his family was called and told about his passing. Philip's ashes were buried in a coffin made of bricks, fulfilling the final vague prophecy of his name.

Philip's resume was posted on the internet in the summer of 2014, and in the winter it was auctioned off at a hospital auction. It was purchased by a woman who mistakenly thought she was buying a bottle of TRESemmé haircare product.