This is a True Story

this is a true story.

by Philip Mason on Friday, January 14, 2011 at 12:46am

“So you’re a lifelover, are you?”

>“Yeah, sure am. I love life.”

“You’re a lifelover.”

>“Absolutely.”

“OK. I’m gonna have to ask you to stop. To stop—“

>“Stop what?”

“Loving life.”

>“Why? That’s insane.”

“No. You’re under arrest.”

>“For what!?”

“For loving life. We can’t have people loving life,  here.”

>“I’m going to stop loving life as soon as you arrest me. Then what will my crime be?”

“Sir, don’t play your word games with me. Don’t try tricks. This is serious and you are breaking the law.”

>“I’m certain there is no law against being happy; I’m a lawyer.”

“Friend, you’re no lawyer.”

>“I’m not your friend.”

“You’re not a lawyer, either.”

>“I’m also not loving life right now, I’ve done nothing wrong.”

“That’s the spirit, sir. With you people loving life, you're much harder for us to control. Our power weakens.”

>“Excuse me? I think you’ve got it backwards. An unhappy people are much harder to maintain a power over than happy people. They will oppose you, never give in, and will rise up as a single human-hammer in order to take you down, if they must.”

“You are mistaken. Your ignorance makes it clear why you are among the common people, and not in a position of power like myself.”

>“I don’t need to be in power, because even you guys are out of control, and we now know why.”

“What are you talking about?”

>“Have you paid much attention to the news lately?”

“No, why?”

>“You haven’t heard the breaking news about astrology?”

“No. But… I’m listening!”

>“Well, it’s been confirmed: we  might all be following the wrong zodiac sign. Isn’t that awful?”

“Oh my god, that really is terrible. When did they discover this?”

>“Not long ago. An astronomer confirmed it.”

“You mean astrologer.”

>“No, astronomer.”

“Huh. What do they do again?”

>“They’re like astrologers who can’t cut it in the competitive world of astrology. But the papers say this one knows what he’s talking about.”

“This is the worst news I’ve heard in a long time. What’s wrong with the astrological science?”

>“Something about the tilt of the planet and large chunks of time, I think. Who cares, right? You remember 9/11? You know the holocaust? Makes sense now, doesn’t it? This is the kind of shit that happens when the whole world is following the wrong sign in their horoscopes. Poverty and suffering around the world kind of suddenly don’t seem like such a big deal, anymore.”

“Hell, you’re right. But now that we know what’s wrong, the real question is: CAN IT BE FIXED?”

>“I hope so. The astrologers are hard at work re-engineering their star charts, re-defining their sign tables, polishing their crystal balls, re-magnetizing their compasses… really pulling together to correct this mistake.”

“Thank God. Do you suppose that when astrology is fixed, all sorts of things like world hunger and war will come to an end?”

>“It definitely will.”

“I think so, too. Is this the first that's ever been said of this? Did scientists JUST discover this, just now?”

>Obviously the answer is yes. At the peak of human civilization and scientific understanding, our scientists must have only recently made this discovery with the very latest scientific tools and technology. If they had been saying this for many, many, many, many, many, many, many years, surely we'd have been aware of it, right? It would be common knowledge. I consider myself pretty well educated in science -"

"It sure seems like you are."

>"- and I regularly check Yahoo! for scientific news, so I'm rather informed on the latest discoveries. Haven't heard about this from any Yahoo! articles or CNN reports until NOW. Astrologers and the astrology community are obviously very scientific people, so they'd have known about this. It's gotta be breaking news."

"I believe you."

>“So this is actually a very exciting time for us, don’t you think? Not only are scientists today on the verge of discovering the Higgs boson, finding other planets all over the galaxy, and cloning life forms, they’re now fixing astrology.”

“This will change everything.”

>“That’s the truth.”

“Suddenly, I’m starting to love life.”

>“With a new astrology, anything is possible.”