Traveling to Neptune

Traveling to Neptune

by Philip Mason on Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at 11:53pm

I was in space, on a mission from Earth
Traveling to Neptune to find something of worth
All alone for years on that ship
Twas a lonely, long, and unsettling trip

I'm a NASA space commander
Highly skilled and highly trained
Ready for just about anything
Explained or unexplained

Right now I'm passing Saturn
Boy, big rings on that guy!
Or is Saturn a she?
I don't care, I continue to fly
Saturn - Hello, and Saturn - Good-bye

Still I zoom, lonely and focused
Through space toward the blue globular god
Vast emptiness surrounds me
Saturn's image remains so perfectly un-flawed

I've got a pretty good radar
On this here space machine
Shoots out radiation
Bounces it back to make the unseen seen
This is just what happened
When an alarm rang out
It seems that something's been detected
Somewhere along my route

Usually it looks for asteroids
and dangerous space debris
This time it found something else
Quite unexpected, I guarantee
Something in space, one would never see

I slowed the ship with the backward jet brakes
There's no time for me to make mistakes
The object was closer, very close indeed
I cut down to a fraction of my blistering speed
It's close enough that I can squint my eyes
And see that what this is
Does not belong so high up in the skies
What I'm glaring at is the last thing that I should meet
It's a dead spaceman, in a space suit, isn't that neat?

It took some work, but I got the body inside
He's been dead for years
Who even knows when this guy died?
But on his space suit it says Kaminski - Discovery
This man was an astronaut
Who died in 2001: A Space Odyssey

So interesting it is
That here I am, out in space so deep
With a man who had died en route to Saturn
While he was still in cold, fast sleep
You never expect
to run into a human when you're out in space
And I think that I would know
I spend a lot of time in this place

So Dr. Kaminski was the first person I'd seen
Since I'd left that beautiful Earth
a year ago in Spring

A man can get awfully lonely
When living in a ship
And isolation plays funny tricks on you
Which help your mind to slip

I set up a table
Got out the floating bags of wine
microwaved some space-soup
So that Dr. Kaminski and I could dine

I knew he wouldn't eat, being dead for many years
But I strapped him to a chair
Gave him his own winebag, and happily said "cheers"

I told him about my trip so far
And how I'd been so bored
I told him how I kept sending naked pictures back to Earth
And was now being mostly ignored

He didn't say much, see Kaminski was still dead
But I drank some wine, ate some soup, and gave Kaminsky some bread

His skin was stiff and frozen cold
That dead astronaut was quite the sight to behold

Since he wasn't going to drink his bag of wine
I asked him if he would not mind
If I partook in sipping and slurping
His wine, since it was mine

He said nothing, so I drank his drink right down
Loved it, loved it, loved it
As I drank it down
Two bags of wine, had I just drank and drunk
I let it slip that I thought Kaminski was looking like a hunk

Oops, Kaminski, that came out wrong
It's just, this trip, it's been so long
You known in prison, when men turn to men?
Wait for the soap to drop, then jump right in?

Well, that's what it's like
Up here in space
I was just so happy
To see your face
Sure, it's rotten and frozen and ugly and dead
But I think, Kaminski, I'd like to take you to bed

If I'm being too forward, Doctor, please let me know
But if you're thinking what I'm thinking
Say nothing and we can go

Kaminski remained dead and frozen
So I took that as a "yes"
Took him to my sleeping chambers
And put him in a dress

We laid in bed for hours,
looking out to the stars
I asked him of his dreams and wishes
and if he'd been to Mars

So smitten was he
by our romantic night
He didn't say a word
Twas time for candlelight...

I told him in this light, his skin almost looked alive
And that his loving embrace, would help me to survive
"It's a long, long trip", I told him again
While I slid myself up his dress
And let myself in



Kaminski made the next year of my flight
To Neptune, the blue globular god
Feel comfortable, enjoyable, and alright

When his decomposition
Began to make a mess

I put him in the carbon freeze
Let him keep on the dress

I don't have time for him, anyway
Just got to Neptune

It's rather large, wouldn't you say?
Oh, it's bigger than I thought

I bet Kaminski would love to see this
But he's got some cooling off to do

I'll just take pictures and send them back home
Take some readings and measurements
And send those back home, too

I'll spend a few weeks here,
docked at the far end of the Solar System
When I'm on my way back, I'll thaw out Kaminski
Let him get loose, maybe I'll fist'em

I'll tell him all about Neptune
But when I get around Earth,
I'll drop him off
Don't want mission control
To know about him
Don't want my wife
To know about him
Don't want my kids
To know about him

But when I get back to Earth
My wife and kids won't even remember me
I'll be dead to them
Just like poor Dr. Kaminski